I won't give up this time

In 2009, I was on the Honolulu marathon team with Team In Training (TNT). I did the fundraising and made it to the event. Before the race, I had been struggling with knee pain that felt more like nerve pain (not my usual knee pain). I got new shoes and was hoping whatever was going wrong would hold out for the race. Race morning the knee pain started less than half a mile into the race. I was devastated. I tried walk/running but walking even became painful. I was beside myself. I have never NOT finished a race (I even finished the horrible Pacific Crest long-distance course triathlon of 2008), but this time the pain was more than I wanted to push for 26.2 miles, so I pulled myself out of the race at mile 5. I was in tears. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to made (it seems easy, right - you are in pain so quit, but I hate quitting). I think I take that mentality into a lot of different aspects of my life. I fight (it's in my name: "Kelly" means warrior). And I'm still not ok with my Honolulu performance, so it was not surprising to me that I was talked into signing up for another Team In Training marathon team (oh man).

Last night was the official kick-off to the 2011 Team In Training summer season. I will be training for the San Diego Rock in Roll Marathon, which is on June 5th. This time I won't quit. This time I will train, take care of any pain BEFORE it becomes an issue, and I will finish a marathon. This time I have more motivation. Working for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society sort of made me feel disenchanted with the organization, but last night listening to the stories of those who have survived blood cancers, renewed my determination.

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 15 years old. I remember watching this beautiful, vivacious, strong, and intelligent woman deteriorate under the strain of cancer. During her last few days she needed constant care. My step dad had been staying up all night with her for days, so my sister and I (at 12 and 15 respectively) decided to take a turn staying up with her. We slept in shifts and took turns staying awake with our mom. She was a fighter. The tumors in her body were so big that doctors were surprised that she still tried to eat and get up and move around, which was why we had to stay up with her. Never giving up, she would force herself to sit up and get out of bed, but she wasn't completely strong enough to move around on her own. I will never forget one of my last moments with her. There I was, sitting next to her on the medical bed at home (it was my turn to stay awake and it was probably about 3 am). She was in pain and I was upset. I remember laying my head down on her shoulder and thinking about the injustice of our situation. It just wasn't fair; here she was my mom and it was her job to take care of me, but I had to be strong and take care of her. And just as that thought occurred, my mom laid her head down on top of mine. It was a complete act of kindness and love. She was still taking care of me even though she didn't have the strength. She died the next afternoon.

I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like if she had never passed away. If I think about it too much, it makes me mad. I have issues from all that has happened in my life, BUT I am a strong, beautiful and capable woman. I am my mom's legacy. My first Ironman race is a total tribute to her and her memory. And joining Team In Training again is just one way I can fight cancer. It's just one way I can try to make sure that no one else has to go through losing a loved one to cancer. Cancer is cruel and devastating. Cancer sucks.

So now I will also be journaling about my TNT experience, which is just a part of my Ironman Canada training plan.

If I can finish an Ironman race, we will one day find a cure for cancer. Anything is possible.

***If you would like to join my fight against cancer, please consider making a donation to LLS. You can do so on my page: http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/rnr11/kogara ***