I won't give up this time

In 2009, I was on the Honolulu marathon team with Team In Training (TNT). I did the fundraising and made it to the event. Before the race, I had been struggling with knee pain that felt more like nerve pain (not my usual knee pain). I got new shoes and was hoping whatever was going wrong would hold out for the race. Race morning the knee pain started less than half a mile into the race. I was devastated. I tried walk/running but walking even became painful. I was beside myself. I have never NOT finished a race (I even finished the horrible Pacific Crest long-distance course triathlon of 2008), but this time the pain was more than I wanted to push for 26.2 miles, so I pulled myself out of the race at mile 5. I was in tears. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to made (it seems easy, right - you are in pain so quit, but I hate quitting). I think I take that mentality into a lot of different aspects of my life. I fight (it's in my name: "Kelly" means warrior). And I'm still not ok with my Honolulu performance, so it was not surprising to me that I was talked into signing up for another Team In Training marathon team (oh man).

Last night was the official kick-off to the 2011 Team In Training summer season. I will be training for the San Diego Rock in Roll Marathon, which is on June 5th. This time I won't quit. This time I will train, take care of any pain BEFORE it becomes an issue, and I will finish a marathon. This time I have more motivation. Working for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society sort of made me feel disenchanted with the organization, but last night listening to the stories of those who have survived blood cancers, renewed my determination.

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 15 years old. I remember watching this beautiful, vivacious, strong, and intelligent woman deteriorate under the strain of cancer. During her last few days she needed constant care. My step dad had been staying up all night with her for days, so my sister and I (at 12 and 15 respectively) decided to take a turn staying up with her. We slept in shifts and took turns staying awake with our mom. She was a fighter. The tumors in her body were so big that doctors were surprised that she still tried to eat and get up and move around, which was why we had to stay up with her. Never giving up, she would force herself to sit up and get out of bed, but she wasn't completely strong enough to move around on her own. I will never forget one of my last moments with her. There I was, sitting next to her on the medical bed at home (it was my turn to stay awake and it was probably about 3 am). She was in pain and I was upset. I remember laying my head down on her shoulder and thinking about the injustice of our situation. It just wasn't fair; here she was my mom and it was her job to take care of me, but I had to be strong and take care of her. And just as that thought occurred, my mom laid her head down on top of mine. It was a complete act of kindness and love. She was still taking care of me even though she didn't have the strength. She died the next afternoon.

I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like if she had never passed away. If I think about it too much, it makes me mad. I have issues from all that has happened in my life, BUT I am a strong, beautiful and capable woman. I am my mom's legacy. My first Ironman race is a total tribute to her and her memory. And joining Team In Training again is just one way I can fight cancer. It's just one way I can try to make sure that no one else has to go through losing a loved one to cancer. Cancer is cruel and devastating. Cancer sucks.

So now I will also be journaling about my TNT experience, which is just a part of my Ironman Canada training plan.

If I can finish an Ironman race, we will one day find a cure for cancer. Anything is possible.

***If you would like to join my fight against cancer, please consider making a donation to LLS. You can do so on my page: http://pages.teamintraining.org/oswim/rnr11/kogara ***

To the Tune of...

During the rainy winter months, I will spend more time indoors training. So this post is dedicated to the songs on my ipod that are helping me get through cardio workouts on machines that are going nowhere:

• "You Will Leave a Mark" by A Silent Film (I love songs that use the piano - LOVE it!)
• "Tonight I'm Loving You" by Enrique Iglesias (this version and NOT the one with the F-bomb!! Gross Enrique! So disappointed...)
• "Daniel" by Bat for Lashes (this one is a little slower but I'm loving it when I'm on the bike - pretending I'm on a flat road, grinding it out against the wind)
• "My Maria" by Brooks & Dunn (reminds me of the sun and summer and just makes me happy!)
• "Touch the Sky" by Kanye West
• "Tamacun" by Rodrigo & Gabriela (this one is always on my cycling mix because it makes me feel like peddling fast - like I'm flying downhill)
• "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys (because you can't, you won't and you don't stop)
• "Let it Rock" by Kevin Rudolf and Lil Wayne
• "Raise Your Glass" by P!nk
• "Holiday" by Vampire Weekend
• "How You Like Me Now" by The Heavy
• "2080" by Yeasayer (I really like Yeasayer - they are SO WEIRD but I LOVE it!) And because I love them....
• "Ambling Alp" by Yeasayer (*huge smile* Yeasayer, PLEASE come to Portland and play! And who the H is Old Man Schmelling, and why is he a formidable foe?)

I love music.

No Whamies, No Whamies...STOP!

I'm in it to win it, and that goes for meeting my goals for IMC, completing the 15 mile Hagg Lake Mud run in February, completing the San Diego Rock-n-Roll Marathon in June, AND now going down to L.A. to tryout for the ABC show Wipeout. Last night I bought a plane ticket and hotel room for Feb. 4-6th. I'm going down to Anaheim for the tryouts on Saturday, Feb. 5th. It's going to be awesome. I got a screaming deal on a flight/hotel and am literally 1 mile or less from the tryout location by Disneyland. I AM SO EXCITED! I've got a slim chance because I think hundreds of people tryout, and I have no idea what I'm going to do for my tryout; however, I really don't care. Just going down there, getting to experience the crowd/line and seeing what this is all about is going to be amazing. PLUS I'm doing something about a goal/dream of mine. I've been talking about wanting to get onto this show since I first saw someone bounce on the big red balls in a commercial. I don't care about the prize money. I JUST WANT ON THAT COURSE!!! And why not?! Life is way too short and I want to experience it to the fullest!

I'm going down by myself and have all day on Friday and Saturday before I head back to Ptown early Sunday morning. I'm thinking I'll go to Disneyland. I've honestly never traveled by myself before so I'm super excited. And I'm hoping that I'll make friends with the other crazies in line for Wipeout. It will be amazing. I'M SO EXCITED! Now all I have to do is get Friday off of work and come up with an awesome tryout shtick...no biggie, right?!

Ok, more to come about Wipeout over the next few weeks...

As for IM training, yesterday I went for a very sad 2.6 mile run/walk. It was sunny and BEAUTIFUL here. You could feel the energy and the hope of spring. Birds were out and chirping LOUDLY and everyone was out. It just felt so good to get out and enjoy the sun's rays. The run was a disaster so-to-speak. I didn't take care of myself Friday night and about 10 minutes into the run my feet hurt (shoes are now officially done - time to buy a new pair). But I was emotionally ok. I just took my time and enjoyed what I was doing with no personal pressure. This is the beginning of my journey to get into shape for Canada. And workouts like yesterday are great to journal about and remember because several months from now things will be different. 2.6 miles will be nothing and my mental endurance will be even stronger. It happens. I don't always realize it does but during the season there is always a moment where I take notice of where I'm at cardiovascularly and then I compare that to a workout in the beginning of the season and realize my progress. It's so amazing to do...

It's kind of like running in the San Francisco Bay to Breakers race. When I first ran it, I kept my head down and focused on achieving my goal of just getting to the finish line. When I met up with my Grandpa at the end, he asked me if I took a moment to turn around and look back on the crowd when I was running up the GIANT hill around mile 3. I said no. The next year I remembered his question. About three-fourths of the way up the hill, I took a moment to stop, walk and look back on the AMAZING scene. 45,000+ people do Bay-to-Breakers. It was INCREDIBLE to see this wide street just covered with a sea of bobbing heads all making their way up the steep hill (the street was covered with a carpet of people). It was such a cool scene, and it was amazing to look back on where I had come and what I was achieving. I've carried that metaphor with me throughout other training moments in my life. It is so easy to keep our head on the road in front of us, our goal, and never truly appreciate where we've come from.

So this week, I challenge you to take a look back. Where are you at toward a goal of yours? How far have you come?

Anything is possible.

Inner Monologue

This was my inner monologue on my drive home from work tonight...

Thought 1: Hmmm, what do I want to do for exercise tonight?
Thought 2: Go to the gym Kelly, you have your gym bag with you.
T1: I hate the gym after New Years when everyone is there and it's packed and you have to share a swim lane with 5 other people or wait in line for a cardio machine...
T2: Go to the gym.
T1: Maybe I'll just go home and have a dance party for 30 minutes.
T2: Go to the gym. You'll feel better and you know you have energy to burn. Go get in the pool.
T1: But it's cold. I'm freezing right now and the thought of undressing, getting into a bathing suit and then into a luke warm pool sounds HORRIBLE! Then there's wet hair until I get home...
T2: Yeah but you LOVE to swim and you'll feel great afterwards! PLUS you are Ironman training. Go to the gym because you know there's a chance you won't exercise if you go home.

(Brain pause...listening to music and slowly deciding to head toward the gym after missing my turn to go home.)

T1 & T2: OOOOHHH, a person out running at night!! Wait, I COULD GO RUNNING! I have reflector gear and a head lamp! Yeah, running at night sounds fun!! I'm doing it! (More positive thoughts and confirmation as I see more runners out on my drive home.)

I then U-turn and proceeded homeward. I walked inside, saw my latest Fitness magazine in the mail pile, checked email/Facebook and totally didn't go running. BUT I did do a circuit workout for about 20 minutes that got me sweating and breathing heavy. Not a run but at least it was something.

Today was a good reminder that I need to start mapping out my workouts the night before. Then I won't take the time to think about what I want to do and talk myself out of it. Instead I will just do whatever was already planned. I'm so indecisive that in the moment thoughts/decisions can often derail me.

Good times.

What is Ironman?

Yesterday I went on a six mile run/shuffle/walk as an attempt to get back into this thing called "training." During my exercise, I had to chuckle to myself as I was "running" through the different things my brain was thinking about (pun intended). I think being in my head would be equivalent to being on a crazy roller coaster ride at a poorly run carnival (I'm all over the place). It's kinda like A.D.D., which is probably why I LOVE the sport of triathlon. Just when you get bored with swimming, you get to bike! Just when you are bored with biking, you get to RUN. And just when you want to give up and never exercise again, you reach the finish line. Then a few days/weeks/months later, you sign up for another race.

But the reason I'm blogging about all of this nonsense is that when I was running yesterday, I started thinking about what it means to do an Ironman race. It was a great exercise in distraction because for those few minutes of thought, I forgot that I was running and that I was tired, fatigued, and dehydrated. I began to feel stronger and jazzed about this next adventure called Ironman Canada 2011.

Ironman, strictly speaking, is a race that comprises a 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike, and a 26.2 mile run/walk. Oh, and it's a race with strict time cut offs and a deadline of 17 hours MAX! But beyond that, Ironman is different for everyone.

For me, Ironman is a journey. It is finding out what your limits are and then realizing you are capable of even more. It is personal. It is a test of mental toughness. It's a battle with negative thoughts where winning is more than positive thinking. Winning is getting tough with yourself and telling yourself to keep going no matter how much you want to quit. It's about the indefatigable human spirit and the incredible power of the mind. Anyone can complete an Ironman, but the key is wanting to complete it. You have to have the desire and commitment. Ironman is not for the faint of heart. Actually, that is not true because even if you start with a faint heart and commit to the journey, by the end you will have a lion's heart.

Ironman is even more than the personal journey. It is about community and feeling so incredibly supported by friends, family, and total and complete strangers that you feel like a superhero. Because when you finish and celebrate, your family/friends/the crowd celebrate with you.

Ironman is amazing and this is a poor attempt to fully describe it in words.

My attempt this year is to blog about this 2nd chapter in my Ironman racing journey. Join me if you want...I'd love to have the support.